so much for all your highbrow Marxist ways.

I made a bucket list on MySpace about a year ago now,so there is even more reason to make another having been in Manchester for the past year.

1. Grow my hair long.

2. Spend a day baking cakes.

3. Aim to get 2:1/Firsts in my assignments and exams this year.

4. Get the tattoo that I want when I gain some more weight.

5. Put at least 2 stone on before the end of the academic year.

6. Quit smoking,for good.

7. Read ''The Conditions of the Working Class in England'' by Engels.

8. Make a lasagne.

9. Live life to its fullest.

10. Buy a blender and start making smoothies and milkshakes.

11. Take my vitamins.

12. Give old clothes and books to charity (big clearout imminent!)

13. Have a Kate Bush day with Sarah

14. Find a part-time job.

15. Be more creative with my hands and mind.

16. Improve my social life (going out to gigs/cinema)

17. Watch a film in another foreign language.

18. Sort out finances for Germany next year.

19. Wake up every morning,put music on and dance!

20. Take 'me' time at least twice a week.

ignorance is bliss.

how dare you.

spare me the irony and sarcasm,because I really believe you don't give a shit with what I'm going through. Then again you lack empathy,hardly surprising. Even my lecturers do a better job of it. I'm normally not one for special treatment,but actually right now I need as much support as I can get.

I was stuck in bed all day on my 20th birthday on the Monday with a sore neck, my mother spent her own 49th birthday in a hospital needing a blood transfusion,fuck it I can't even write without a lump coming to my throat because it makes me feel so upset. I even feel like I can't date another Socialist because you will have something to say about it,because news travels fast. In fact,I feel as if I can say nothing at all. I wake up at 7:30am this morning to do a stall with said sore neck,selfless as ever,so what if I stare into space? You're all the same,false smiles and backstabbing comments,apart from a choice few. It's making me decide even more why I should be here in this state. If you want to arrange something,do it yourself,I'm not your lackey and I never will be.

I don't have to be strong anymore,I'm tired of that. My mother is ill,how many flaming times do I need to re-iterate that I need support and help? Just go fuck yourself. I miss my ex,and people are telling me that he wasn't worth the crap,but how was I meant to think different after looking after him for 8 months? He was bisexual,he didn't put it in my head,in fact he tried to force it on the relationship if anything. At least my new partner understands this. He also had views that were subversive,so what? I realise that I don't need to adhere to fuck all anymore,because unlike you I have a life that I want to live,against all the odds,whether my mother is ill or whether you put pressure on me to be an activist,whether I'm a student,whether I have depression, whether I'm someone's lover,or whether I'm one of the only women of the group. I will not buckle to your superiority,in fact I'll shove it straight back where it belongs-in your arse. It's no secret that I too resent you.

birthday girl.

so I have reached the end of my teenage years today. Twenty years ago my mother was in labour with me at this time,and I was born at half 6 in the evening in a hospital in Lincolnshire. Unfortunately my mother is now in hospital waiting for a blood transfusion and I am stuck in bed with a sore neck,which resulted in me missing most of uni today,but I am going to go in for the last 2 hours. Before that I am going into town to buy a diary,some body lotion and some cupcakes,and then I shall be seeing the guy that I like later,as well as my friend of a year after that. Thanks to Dave and everyone of my other friends for their birthday wishes,you truly have made this day special.

essence of grow up.

I do love a good old bitter break up. No,I really do. You know the ones where your ex-partner refuses to return your stuff,leaving you very frustrated,and refuses to feel any guilt for a break up that he cruelly initiated? The ones where you stay up all night crying and angry because he's refusing to co-operate with you? Where your mum is rushed to hospital with low white blood cells and high temperature and he really doesn't give two shits? Yes,great fan.

NOT.

Seriously,the guy really needs to grow up and get some balls. No money to return my stuff? NO EXCUSE. I live straight opposite my Student Union,yet I could have got a train to Salford and dropped the stuff off myself,but I thought better. It's his turn to get his act together. The relationship has been over a month now,and he's telling me to make new friends,move on properly etc etc. But he's preventing me from doing even that. I can't even talk to a guy or another girl without lamenting the end, worried that my next boyfriend/friend is going to stab me in the back,get bored and run. Because my friends,that is effectively what my ex boyfriend has done. Stuck the knife in, wriggled the knife a little bit to cause more pain,and then wrenched it back out again (in metaphorical terms) and ran for the hills to live his lovely new life. And to be honest,I don't hold it against him,although what he did to me was extremely heartless and wholly unforgivable. Not once did I get up and leave when he had a mental health crisis. I actually took him to the hospital in Salford once and waited up into the small hours for him to see a duty psychiatrist. When he woke up from nightmares,I listened to him talk. I was exhausted,but I cared for him a great deal and continued to do so until my mum fell ill. His response to that? ''I didn't need an explanation. I was aware of those things. Now go''. Well love,enjoy your new life,because I hold no personal malice towards you. It's a real shame that you do.

it's connected to the sound,and it moves with the underground.

Sadly my emotions are like a see-saw,and this was tested by the 9:20am fire drill this morning. When I got back into bed I just cried to myself,but a friend rang me to see how I was doing. Various things were discussed,as to why I can't watch my Joy Division DVD that I got for Valentines' Day (it's being put in a box for the foreseeable) and how rough I felt,to discussing his (secret) girlfriend.

Well,that is a good start to a blog I suppose. I'm still obsessed with Suede's discography that I finished downloading last week (hearing Animal Nitrate reminds me of being 8 years old again and reading Adrian Mole). I'm obsessed by little smells that I remember from my childhood (the stairwell had been cleaned this morning). And in a way,I'm still obsessed by wanting to be on ''just good terms'' with my ex,although it's prolly all dead and buried by now. I just miss the political rants he used to have,but there are certain things that I refuse to do that remind me of him,such as going into Afflecks' Palace, read Private Eye, travel to Salford,walk round the Northern Quarter or into Manchester or find someone new. The latter is just cruel after a recent breakup,plus I'm not in the state of mind after Mum falling ill. Time to move on though,stiff upper lip and all that. Things change,and I'm not a bitter person. But we just weren't compatible,at all. We sparked off each other. I was constantly scared of the future (another obsession of mine),he was carefree about anything and everything in his life,apart from being discriminated by others. I supported him in that,but I soon became his enemy in arms. It pained me to break up with him,but I knew when Mum was ill and I was off to Germany next year,it didn't feel right for me,but I didn't know how to tell him. I know now what he meant when he told me that I needed to find someone else,but I need my family and friends,not another man. I tend to forget myself in relationships and thought he was my world.

I'm tempted to buy a lovely CD,like Jape,or Lisa Hannigan,but goodness knows when. I'll do it after therapy I guess.

day 4:lazy day

well,I have no choice really. My ex is back in Salford,and behaving like a complete douche towards me. And oh,do I pity his inability to act like an adult. I treated him with the utmost respect during our relationship.

In other news,I am getting on with my life and being the adult. Not the victim. It's just a shame that people are behaving in such a bitter way.

day 3.

1. Get dressed and have breakfast.

2. Have a cigarette.

3. Go up to the Union and around Oxford Road (can't face Manchester City Centre just yet) to find jobs.

4. Give friends a call to let them know how I'm doing.

5. Cook dinner and relax.

I have successfully managed to complete yesterday's list,I was utterly upbeat after speaking to people,and I arranged my therapy for next week. It was painful to drop his things off at the Student Union,but I managed it. I find it hard to delete some of the text messages he sent me,which buoyed me up a great deal,but I need to let go gradually. I do not rely on him anymore,and he is not my responsibility. Though I think to myself about little comments he made about cheating on me and being tempted. Why would a boyfriend say that to someone that he obviously loved? Is he insecure,or just plain selfish? When I threatened to leave him in the midst of hard times,it was because it was too much for me and he was being demanding of me. And I'm glad that we both went our separate ways,because he can live his life,and I can live mine.

plans for today.

1.Wake up.

2.Take medication.

3. Have a shower and get dressed.

4. Have a cigarette.

5. Buy some juice for breakfast.

6. Drop my ex's stuff off to the Student Union.

7. Go shopping and look for jobs.

8. Try and see my tutors.

9. Meet a friend for coffee.

10.Plan dinner.

11. Use the evening to relax.

Even though it's been a week since we split up,I need to take it easy before uni and Freshers' starts kicking off. There will be no real closure until I get my things back next week.

she's the face on the radio.

How to get over a break up.

1. Spring clean your whole ipod library (i have reservations about this term,seeing as it's autumn). Don't spend all day doing it,just take off all the songs that remind you of your ex and put happy ones on.

2. Remind yourself constantly that you are a good person,even if the break up is/isn't your fault. In my case,it wasn't. I was severely depressed, on top of that my mother has cancer and he badmouthed me to his friends for latching onto him. But I have a therapist. Win-win situation.

3. Be selfish. Have some me time.

4. Go out. Do all the things that you neglected to do when you felt he was your world.

5. Cry and rant. It's okay to do that. Your real friends will give you the time of day, and maybe offer to take you out to occupy your mind. right now, I think I need that.

6. Eat! After a break up it's so easy to forget to look after yourself. I had a terrible year at university last year after breaking up with the very first guy I lost my virginity to before university. My flatmates cared about themselves,and only that. When I was with my partner,he never looked after himself,and I suffered too. By the beginning of April,I was under 7 stone. By the end of our relationship,I was still underweight,but was approaching 8 stone.

7. Wear the stuff that you like. I used to love dangly earrings (being a hippy sort of person),but he didn't. it's my life now. As long as I don't become someone else that I'm unhappy with,I'm fine.

8. Treat yourself. My student loan is coming in,and I'm putting some money aside for some nice Doc Martens or a new iPod Nano for my 20th birthday. But again,don't spend too much to fill the gaping void in your life. Set a strict limit.

9. Give yourself time to get over him. Don't rush it just cos you want to be friends.

10. If you do want to make friends when the air has cleared,make sure you are careful about what you say to each other,and about each other in the days after your breakup. It can bite you in the backside! But make sure you have a forgiving attitude no matter what,that means you have the upper hand if he/she is still bitter.

11. If not, just walk away and be the dignified person. This applies if you have both found someone and want your closure. I'm lucky that I still get on a bit with the guy I first slept with.

12. Have an outlet for your anger over why it ended. Mine is writing (I do an English degree) and music. I've written many pros and cons lists in the past,debated it,and even written a short story. Maybe not a good idea as it's keeping the pain there,but maybe you can look back on it when you're a bit older and wiser.

13. Most importantly tell yourself this. You are young and will make mistakes. It's still early on in your life to be tied down,whoever you are. But you will learn from the decisions that you made back then.

14. This is one I forgot,but is most important to me. Don't reach for the alcohol at a social event (Freshers' for example) if you're still very raw emotionally. It impairs your judgment of situations and takes away a little of of your self respect. I know from experience after Freshers' last year. If friends pressurise you into situations that you don't want to be in,get up and leave. Don't explain yourself to them,just do what is right by you.

the dark side.

Sorry for my absenteeism,I've been a very busy woman. From camping behind a pub in Berwick with my boyfriend and his friends,to enduring my mother's first brush with chemotherapy,the last month of my summer vacation from university has been a blast in many respects.

And it's about to get a hell of a lot better.

After months of umming and aahing about politics,my boyfriend moved to the Labour Party in April of this year. I actually don't blame him for that decision,the reason why I will explain in a minute. You see,politics is very much like religion,full of groups of people who think they are the bee's knees,but are in fact are a bunch of bitches. After meeting my boyfriend in the party that I'm currently in,he became ostracised by people who followed the crowd and didn't like his opinion,opting to take a more long winded route that in short,is a damn waste of time.

So after a talk with his friend back home,he decided to nip it in the bud,and leave the party. A lot of things have happened in the last few months,for example,the infamous expenses scandal,where many MPs resigned. A Sociology lecturer got kicked out of his job at Salford Uni around the same time for producing satirical pamphlets that took the mickey out of the Business School. The campaign that my boyfriend and many people that we mutually knew fell through because the Student Union decided to withdraw funding. All these events happened within 2 months,because the powers that be were corrupt and decided to bully people.

What I'm trying to say is that I've come to the end of my time. The penny has dropped and I've had enough of hypocrites criticising those who have accepted their wrongs and done the right thing,instead of bullying others and making class enemies because they're too insecure. I've found a decent alternative,which I can afford and doesn't break the bank (one squid a year to be exact). I'm not a lunatic,I think I'm being quite rational in this respect and at least I know I won't be stabbed in the back this time around,like my boyfriend was. I'm not going to sit in a room in Salford next week and criticise Hazel Blears for a mistake she's evidentally atoned for by resigning. I want my sense of humanity and my Saturday mornings back. I want to watch my Mum get better,without worrying that she's stone broke funding a financially insecure party,and not exhausting myself to the point where I can't look after her and start losing weight again because I end up eating pizza on a Tuesday night instead of cooking myself a meal. I can still be a member of the left without running myself into the ground.

So I'm joining Labour myself.

cake fetish.

...I think South Yorkshire may be in a coma after the amount of baked goods I'm bringing with me tomorrow.

banana,maple and walnut bread

daim cake (not the ikea type,a daim sponge) for Ben's brother's 12th birthday

2 lots of flapjack

and 2 loaves of bread. Mmmmm-mmmmm.

Check out my Facebook album http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=14873&id=1626570005&ref=mf.

Best day ever :D

bittersweet symphony.

I'm fed up. He's fed up.

But I can't take this right now.

Don't get me wrong,I love him to pieces. But when it's happened before,it is very hard to shake off when your boyfriend of 7 months once said a girl that he fancied had ''sex appeal'',when you first started dating. Kind of like when my ex of 2 years ago turned round and told me that he snogged the face of his close friend in a dream and didn't give two flying fucks for his then girlfriend (me).

And it hurts even more when two members of your family have cancer. And at one time you were dating a person who you thought that you could trust. And one of those people with cancer was your auntie,who is now terminal. The other is your own mother. This is harder than I imagined.

Anyway,I'm back from Ireland as of yesterday,and completely exhausted. Being away from Mum enabled me to let go of my emotions a bit more,and today Mum found out that she may only have to have chemotherapy,which is a great relief for everyone all round. I head up to my boyfriend on Thursday (though I wish it were sooner due to wanting a great amount of hugs and support and trying to sort things out,but if I don't get my mental health sorted then I'm completely shelving the whole thing,much to my chagrin) and to be honest,I will be glad of a break.

tubthumping.

You know it's going to be a brilliant day when you wake up in the morning, and you hear your mother singing Chumbawamba's ''Tubthumping'' from the bathroom,feeling ever so positive about herself. She had a shower,an awesome breakfast (pureed apple and pear with cinnamon) and was on top of the world. I nearly managed to blow up my breakfast of porridge in the microwave,but had what remained of the sticky mess with dark chocolate.

On the way into Tamworth she visualised her cancer as she walked,knowing that the bad cells were going to suffer. Then we split up and I went shopping for 2 1/2 hours while she went to the dentist,picking up some rather awesome sale goodies from The Body Shop and HMV,as well as a book on New Age and some paperbacks that came to £1.50. I rang Student Finance and accommodation in Manchester when we came back,and it was a great feeling because I felt ready for my second year. I watched a load of German stuffs on YouTube (next year is keeping me sane planning for my year out to Germany) and took a nap of 2 hours before I had a healthy tea.

Then I spoke to my unfortunately (at times) toxic dad,who has literally hijacked the whole thing (unlike me,who has taken it in their stride and lived as normal,which is the story of my life) by telling me that he hasn't stopped crying. Admittedly I did feel very numb for a couple of days,but after our Sisterhood left Tamworth,I started to feel normal again after coming to terms with the diagnosis on Thursday,then two more women coming into the fold over the weekend to support my mother. I just wanted to be myself and I was allowed to be by everyone. When I confronted my dad with trying to be normal for Mum's sake,he arrogantly turned to me and told me that he ''would be how he wanted'' which irritated me so much.

Importantly,I am a woman,and I am a survivor. And so is my mother. I think this song is reminiscient of the good times that face us,and the strength that we are exhibiting towards what has been chucked at us. We have our partners who are behind us and everything that we do. And that's what I hold onto.

things to make and do part II.

My mum is making her motivational poster today,which will be exciting as she doesn't have to go out and buy card (I snaffled some from Ryman's with my student discount while in Manchester a while back). I think that she should have some baby photos of me and her on there,because that is the time when we were at our most closest,but that's my personal input. Another member of the Sisterhood (my auntie) will be visiting us tomorrow (I'm leaving Tuesday afternoon to travel up to my Dad's for Ireland) and I need to sort out my student finances,as well as my house for next year.

Something which I've recently spotted are rewashable sanitary pads on femininewear.co.uk. The designs are gorgeous (Pink Rose and Olive are my personal favourites) but very pricey! I have to buy a Railcard for next year,as well as a passport for my travels (Me and Ben are hoping to do some travelling at some point-and my mum would like that,given as she wants me to carry on as normal and be happy. She did do some travelling before she met my dad) but some new sanitary towels would be lovely for me as a treat,and very practical.

I've also made some marshmallow treats for myself,and I'm going to have a shower and beautify myself. After all,Sunday is a day of rest.

introduction.

Hello all,Hannah is the name. I'm 19 years old and have decided to start up this new blog,partly due to my 48 year old mother's diagnosis of cancer last week. I keep another blog called bluebird,which is about my journey of living in the real world of being a university student,a best friend,a daughter,a flatmate and a lover,but this will be mainly about the issues that concern me as a female during my mother's journey,as well as coping with my second year at uni while she battles through chemo. I will still post to the other blog,but this could be seen as more of a sequel.

I'm a passionate feminist and political activist (past times which have not been picked up from my parents,may I add) and this has kept me strong throughout the past 12 months. From being in the throes of a university occupation in January,to going to Congress as a female member of the Socialist Party Branch Committee in March,things have picked up. I have a long term boyfriend who encourages my freedom as a female Socialist,even though he is now a member of The Labour Party ,and he is one of the people who keeps me grounded (even though I have the tendency to run away with my mind sometimes). But the one person who has inspired me throughout the last few years and has brought me up to be the person that I am today,is my mother.