shadows of salford.

Well,where shall I start? I've been absent for a fair while,partly because of university commitments and a lack of Internet connection over the Christmas holidays etc etc,and the beginnings of a new relationship:post my ex. It's been an interesting two months,I've met new people and my mother no longer has cancer. So all that remains is for me to move on,the process has already started and yet I feel rather mixed about it.

In the Christmas holidays I was attacked by a girl from my old school. It wasn't meant to have started in my defence,but one glance sparked the confrontation off and she laid into me after words were exchanged. The mental aftermath was hard to deal with,I found myself flipping out at my boyfriend and my parents,and the Telford police were utterly unhelpful. Just because the girl was painted like a doll,me and my family all feel he took her side. Thankfully Manchester Victim Support stepped in and the woman was utterly helpful. I can't stand chauvinistic and immature men who only think with their trouser snake,in all honesty (it says a lot for the closed minded town, where I grew up for 5 years),so the support from Manchester,where I live and study,was more than valuable.

My mother's remission also came as a welcome change for me, and I did text my ex to tell him that she was no longer ill,and left it at that. However,going to Salford still holds funny albeit painful memories which I would rather erase from my mind by way of self preservation,though life is way too short to erase the funnies (such as pouring bubble bath into the fountain at the Old Fire Station opposite Salford University). I do believe as a woman though that I let my ex have his hold over me, and as the now ex girlfriend of a man (though he is very childlike) who has serious mental health issues, I felt free when it was over,even though the affair of breaking up was dragged out for far too long. I felt devastated that I had lost someone I loved,or thought that I had loved,before he let his problems exacerbate. I had none,except a low mood which is part of my reality and I try my best to fight it. I feel that coming off the anti depressants,by my own volition,was the best decision I feel that I've ever made. Like I say,I have met someone new who I feel comfortable in my own skin with,and who I know I can have my own time away from without feeling like I have to explain myself. 2010 could well be my year,I'm maturer that I was at 18 (am nearly 21) having left home,but I also know my own priorities this time around.

so much for all your highbrow Marxist ways.

I made a bucket list on MySpace about a year ago now,so there is even more reason to make another having been in Manchester for the past year.

1. Grow my hair long.

2. Spend a day baking cakes.

3. Aim to get 2:1/Firsts in my assignments and exams this year.

4. Get the tattoo that I want when I gain some more weight.

5. Put at least 2 stone on before the end of the academic year.

6. Quit smoking,for good.

7. Read ''The Conditions of the Working Class in England'' by Engels.

8. Make a lasagne.

9. Live life to its fullest.

10. Buy a blender and start making smoothies and milkshakes.

11. Take my vitamins.

12. Give old clothes and books to charity (big clearout imminent!)

13. Have a Kate Bush day with Sarah

14. Find a part-time job.

15. Be more creative with my hands and mind.

16. Improve my social life (going out to gigs/cinema)

17. Watch a film in another foreign language.

18. Sort out finances for Germany next year.

19. Wake up every morning,put music on and dance!

20. Take 'me' time at least twice a week.

ignorance is bliss.

how dare you.

spare me the irony and sarcasm,because I really believe you don't give a shit with what I'm going through. Then again you lack empathy,hardly surprising. Even my lecturers do a better job of it. I'm normally not one for special treatment,but actually right now I need as much support as I can get.

I was stuck in bed all day on my 20th birthday on the Monday with a sore neck, my mother spent her own 49th birthday in a hospital needing a blood transfusion,fuck it I can't even write without a lump coming to my throat because it makes me feel so upset. I even feel like I can't date another Socialist because you will have something to say about it,because news travels fast. In fact,I feel as if I can say nothing at all. I wake up at 7:30am this morning to do a stall with said sore neck,selfless as ever,so what if I stare into space? You're all the same,false smiles and backstabbing comments,apart from a choice few. It's making me decide even more why I should be here in this state. If you want to arrange something,do it yourself,I'm not your lackey and I never will be.

I don't have to be strong anymore,I'm tired of that. My mother is ill,how many flaming times do I need to re-iterate that I need support and help? Just go fuck yourself. I miss my ex,and people are telling me that he wasn't worth the crap,but how was I meant to think different after looking after him for 8 months? He was bisexual,he didn't put it in my head,in fact he tried to force it on the relationship if anything. At least my new partner understands this. He also had views that were subversive,so what? I realise that I don't need to adhere to fuck all anymore,because unlike you I have a life that I want to live,against all the odds,whether my mother is ill or whether you put pressure on me to be an activist,whether I'm a student,whether I have depression, whether I'm someone's lover,or whether I'm one of the only women of the group. I will not buckle to your superiority,in fact I'll shove it straight back where it belongs-in your arse. It's no secret that I too resent you.

birthday girl.

so I have reached the end of my teenage years today. Twenty years ago my mother was in labour with me at this time,and I was born at half 6 in the evening in a hospital in Lincolnshire. Unfortunately my mother is now in hospital waiting for a blood transfusion and I am stuck in bed with a sore neck,which resulted in me missing most of uni today,but I am going to go in for the last 2 hours. Before that I am going into town to buy a diary,some body lotion and some cupcakes,and then I shall be seeing the guy that I like later,as well as my friend of a year after that. Thanks to Dave and everyone of my other friends for their birthday wishes,you truly have made this day special.

essence of grow up.

I do love a good old bitter break up. No,I really do. You know the ones where your ex-partner refuses to return your stuff,leaving you very frustrated,and refuses to feel any guilt for a break up that he cruelly initiated? The ones where you stay up all night crying and angry because he's refusing to co-operate with you? Where your mum is rushed to hospital with low white blood cells and high temperature and he really doesn't give two shits? Yes,great fan.

NOT.

Seriously,the guy really needs to grow up and get some balls. No money to return my stuff? NO EXCUSE. I live straight opposite my Student Union,yet I could have got a train to Salford and dropped the stuff off myself,but I thought better. It's his turn to get his act together. The relationship has been over a month now,and he's telling me to make new friends,move on properly etc etc. But he's preventing me from doing even that. I can't even talk to a guy or another girl without lamenting the end, worried that my next boyfriend/friend is going to stab me in the back,get bored and run. Because my friends,that is effectively what my ex boyfriend has done. Stuck the knife in, wriggled the knife a little bit to cause more pain,and then wrenched it back out again (in metaphorical terms) and ran for the hills to live his lovely new life. And to be honest,I don't hold it against him,although what he did to me was extremely heartless and wholly unforgivable. Not once did I get up and leave when he had a mental health crisis. I actually took him to the hospital in Salford once and waited up into the small hours for him to see a duty psychiatrist. When he woke up from nightmares,I listened to him talk. I was exhausted,but I cared for him a great deal and continued to do so until my mum fell ill. His response to that? ''I didn't need an explanation. I was aware of those things. Now go''. Well love,enjoy your new life,because I hold no personal malice towards you. It's a real shame that you do.

it's connected to the sound,and it moves with the underground.

Sadly my emotions are like a see-saw,and this was tested by the 9:20am fire drill this morning. When I got back into bed I just cried to myself,but a friend rang me to see how I was doing. Various things were discussed,as to why I can't watch my Joy Division DVD that I got for Valentines' Day (it's being put in a box for the foreseeable) and how rough I felt,to discussing his (secret) girlfriend.

Well,that is a good start to a blog I suppose. I'm still obsessed with Suede's discography that I finished downloading last week (hearing Animal Nitrate reminds me of being 8 years old again and reading Adrian Mole). I'm obsessed by little smells that I remember from my childhood (the stairwell had been cleaned this morning). And in a way,I'm still obsessed by wanting to be on ''just good terms'' with my ex,although it's prolly all dead and buried by now. I just miss the political rants he used to have,but there are certain things that I refuse to do that remind me of him,such as going into Afflecks' Palace, read Private Eye, travel to Salford,walk round the Northern Quarter or into Manchester or find someone new. The latter is just cruel after a recent breakup,plus I'm not in the state of mind after Mum falling ill. Time to move on though,stiff upper lip and all that. Things change,and I'm not a bitter person. But we just weren't compatible,at all. We sparked off each other. I was constantly scared of the future (another obsession of mine),he was carefree about anything and everything in his life,apart from being discriminated by others. I supported him in that,but I soon became his enemy in arms. It pained me to break up with him,but I knew when Mum was ill and I was off to Germany next year,it didn't feel right for me,but I didn't know how to tell him. I know now what he meant when he told me that I needed to find someone else,but I need my family and friends,not another man. I tend to forget myself in relationships and thought he was my world.

I'm tempted to buy a lovely CD,like Jape,or Lisa Hannigan,but goodness knows when. I'll do it after therapy I guess.

day 4:lazy day

well,I have no choice really. My ex is back in Salford,and behaving like a complete douche towards me. And oh,do I pity his inability to act like an adult. I treated him with the utmost respect during our relationship.

In other news,I am getting on with my life and being the adult. Not the victim. It's just a shame that people are behaving in such a bitter way.