it's connected to the sound,and it moves with the underground.

Sadly my emotions are like a see-saw,and this was tested by the 9:20am fire drill this morning. When I got back into bed I just cried to myself,but a friend rang me to see how I was doing. Various things were discussed,as to why I can't watch my Joy Division DVD that I got for Valentines' Day (it's being put in a box for the foreseeable) and how rough I felt,to discussing his (secret) girlfriend.

Well,that is a good start to a blog I suppose. I'm still obsessed with Suede's discography that I finished downloading last week (hearing Animal Nitrate reminds me of being 8 years old again and reading Adrian Mole). I'm obsessed by little smells that I remember from my childhood (the stairwell had been cleaned this morning). And in a way,I'm still obsessed by wanting to be on ''just good terms'' with my ex,although it's prolly all dead and buried by now. I just miss the political rants he used to have,but there are certain things that I refuse to do that remind me of him,such as going into Afflecks' Palace, read Private Eye, travel to Salford,walk round the Northern Quarter or into Manchester or find someone new. The latter is just cruel after a recent breakup,plus I'm not in the state of mind after Mum falling ill. Time to move on though,stiff upper lip and all that. Things change,and I'm not a bitter person. But we just weren't compatible,at all. We sparked off each other. I was constantly scared of the future (another obsession of mine),he was carefree about anything and everything in his life,apart from being discriminated by others. I supported him in that,but I soon became his enemy in arms. It pained me to break up with him,but I knew when Mum was ill and I was off to Germany next year,it didn't feel right for me,but I didn't know how to tell him. I know now what he meant when he told me that I needed to find someone else,but I need my family and friends,not another man. I tend to forget myself in relationships and thought he was my world.

I'm tempted to buy a lovely CD,like Jape,or Lisa Hannigan,but goodness knows when. I'll do it after therapy I guess.

day 4:lazy day

well,I have no choice really. My ex is back in Salford,and behaving like a complete douche towards me. And oh,do I pity his inability to act like an adult. I treated him with the utmost respect during our relationship.

In other news,I am getting on with my life and being the adult. Not the victim. It's just a shame that people are behaving in such a bitter way.

day 3.

1. Get dressed and have breakfast.

2. Have a cigarette.

3. Go up to the Union and around Oxford Road (can't face Manchester City Centre just yet) to find jobs.

4. Give friends a call to let them know how I'm doing.

5. Cook dinner and relax.

I have successfully managed to complete yesterday's list,I was utterly upbeat after speaking to people,and I arranged my therapy for next week. It was painful to drop his things off at the Student Union,but I managed it. I find it hard to delete some of the text messages he sent me,which buoyed me up a great deal,but I need to let go gradually. I do not rely on him anymore,and he is not my responsibility. Though I think to myself about little comments he made about cheating on me and being tempted. Why would a boyfriend say that to someone that he obviously loved? Is he insecure,or just plain selfish? When I threatened to leave him in the midst of hard times,it was because it was too much for me and he was being demanding of me. And I'm glad that we both went our separate ways,because he can live his life,and I can live mine.

plans for today.

1.Wake up.

2.Take medication.

3. Have a shower and get dressed.

4. Have a cigarette.

5. Buy some juice for breakfast.

6. Drop my ex's stuff off to the Student Union.

7. Go shopping and look for jobs.

8. Try and see my tutors.

9. Meet a friend for coffee.

10.Plan dinner.

11. Use the evening to relax.

Even though it's been a week since we split up,I need to take it easy before uni and Freshers' starts kicking off. There will be no real closure until I get my things back next week.

she's the face on the radio.

How to get over a break up.

1. Spring clean your whole ipod library (i have reservations about this term,seeing as it's autumn). Don't spend all day doing it,just take off all the songs that remind you of your ex and put happy ones on.

2. Remind yourself constantly that you are a good person,even if the break up is/isn't your fault. In my case,it wasn't. I was severely depressed, on top of that my mother has cancer and he badmouthed me to his friends for latching onto him. But I have a therapist. Win-win situation.

3. Be selfish. Have some me time.

4. Go out. Do all the things that you neglected to do when you felt he was your world.

5. Cry and rant. It's okay to do that. Your real friends will give you the time of day, and maybe offer to take you out to occupy your mind. right now, I think I need that.

6. Eat! After a break up it's so easy to forget to look after yourself. I had a terrible year at university last year after breaking up with the very first guy I lost my virginity to before university. My flatmates cared about themselves,and only that. When I was with my partner,he never looked after himself,and I suffered too. By the beginning of April,I was under 7 stone. By the end of our relationship,I was still underweight,but was approaching 8 stone.

7. Wear the stuff that you like. I used to love dangly earrings (being a hippy sort of person),but he didn't. it's my life now. As long as I don't become someone else that I'm unhappy with,I'm fine.

8. Treat yourself. My student loan is coming in,and I'm putting some money aside for some nice Doc Martens or a new iPod Nano for my 20th birthday. But again,don't spend too much to fill the gaping void in your life. Set a strict limit.

9. Give yourself time to get over him. Don't rush it just cos you want to be friends.

10. If you do want to make friends when the air has cleared,make sure you are careful about what you say to each other,and about each other in the days after your breakup. It can bite you in the backside! But make sure you have a forgiving attitude no matter what,that means you have the upper hand if he/she is still bitter.

11. If not, just walk away and be the dignified person. This applies if you have both found someone and want your closure. I'm lucky that I still get on a bit with the guy I first slept with.

12. Have an outlet for your anger over why it ended. Mine is writing (I do an English degree) and music. I've written many pros and cons lists in the past,debated it,and even written a short story. Maybe not a good idea as it's keeping the pain there,but maybe you can look back on it when you're a bit older and wiser.

13. Most importantly tell yourself this. You are young and will make mistakes. It's still early on in your life to be tied down,whoever you are. But you will learn from the decisions that you made back then.

14. This is one I forgot,but is most important to me. Don't reach for the alcohol at a social event (Freshers' for example) if you're still very raw emotionally. It impairs your judgment of situations and takes away a little of of your self respect. I know from experience after Freshers' last year. If friends pressurise you into situations that you don't want to be in,get up and leave. Don't explain yourself to them,just do what is right by you.

the dark side.

Sorry for my absenteeism,I've been a very busy woman. From camping behind a pub in Berwick with my boyfriend and his friends,to enduring my mother's first brush with chemotherapy,the last month of my summer vacation from university has been a blast in many respects.

And it's about to get a hell of a lot better.

After months of umming and aahing about politics,my boyfriend moved to the Labour Party in April of this year. I actually don't blame him for that decision,the reason why I will explain in a minute. You see,politics is very much like religion,full of groups of people who think they are the bee's knees,but are in fact are a bunch of bitches. After meeting my boyfriend in the party that I'm currently in,he became ostracised by people who followed the crowd and didn't like his opinion,opting to take a more long winded route that in short,is a damn waste of time.

So after a talk with his friend back home,he decided to nip it in the bud,and leave the party. A lot of things have happened in the last few months,for example,the infamous expenses scandal,where many MPs resigned. A Sociology lecturer got kicked out of his job at Salford Uni around the same time for producing satirical pamphlets that took the mickey out of the Business School. The campaign that my boyfriend and many people that we mutually knew fell through because the Student Union decided to withdraw funding. All these events happened within 2 months,because the powers that be were corrupt and decided to bully people.

What I'm trying to say is that I've come to the end of my time. The penny has dropped and I've had enough of hypocrites criticising those who have accepted their wrongs and done the right thing,instead of bullying others and making class enemies because they're too insecure. I've found a decent alternative,which I can afford and doesn't break the bank (one squid a year to be exact). I'm not a lunatic,I think I'm being quite rational in this respect and at least I know I won't be stabbed in the back this time around,like my boyfriend was. I'm not going to sit in a room in Salford next week and criticise Hazel Blears for a mistake she's evidentally atoned for by resigning. I want my sense of humanity and my Saturday mornings back. I want to watch my Mum get better,without worrying that she's stone broke funding a financially insecure party,and not exhausting myself to the point where I can't look after her and start losing weight again because I end up eating pizza on a Tuesday night instead of cooking myself a meal. I can still be a member of the left without running myself into the ground.

So I'm joining Labour myself.